


just like heaven

by likeastranger



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Becca would've been so supportive, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Fatin is all knowing and you cannot change my mind, Internalized Homophobia, Lots of Religious Guilt, Shelby is an amazing character, Shelby's pov, but i promise they will be happy, found family is the best, heavy on the self hatred for a minute so beware, i am inserting my own religious trauma into this, i love them, oh my god they were roommates, they're gonna fight it but they love each other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:27:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29452290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeastranger/pseuds/likeastranger
Summary: Toni and Shelby are roommates. They hate each other, until they don't.Or:Shelby doesn’t know why she does it. Maybe it’s because when Toni gets angry, she gets this fiery look in her eyes that makes Shelby’s stomach drop. Maybe it’s because Toni still looks beautiful even when they’ve been hiking all day. (Maybe it’s because it's the only thing she’s wanted to do since she laid eyes on Toni.)She kisses her.Shelby takes a step forward, puts her hands on Toni’s face and pulls her in. It’s rough and Toni is too shocked to do anything at first but Shelby doesn’t care about that because all she can think is oh .
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 154





	just like heaven

  
  


Shelby had always been so incredibly careful. 

  
  


Years and years of hiding, crafting an image of herself that she so desperately wanted to be a reality, but deep down, she knew it wasn’t. 

  
  


_Careful, careful, careful._

  
  


Censoring her words, even her own thoughts sometimes because they would become too overwhelming. If she thought too much, allowed herself to indulge in fantasies, she would want to scream. But girls like Shelby aren’t allowed to scream. They’re not allowed to be angry or defiant. They have their entire life planned out for them before they’re old enough to think for themselves. Girls like Shelby are supposed to marry boys like Andrew (manly, smart and strong.) And they’re supposed to have children, as many as God will allow them to have. They go to church every Sunday and pray before every meal. They stand up for what is right and good in this life which, according to her father, are _traditional, American values_. 

  
  


(Never mind that his _traditional American values_ are code for hatred and bigotry.)

  
  


Even as a child, Shelby knew she didn’t have much of a say in her own life. And for a long time, she didn’t mind. When she was young, her mother would tell her stories of princes and princesses who lived in kingdoms, who would fall in love and live their happily ever after. 

  
  


Shelby wanted that: her own happily ever after. 

  
  


And she knew she could have it, too. Boys fawned over her from a young age, her father would always tell her to wait for the right one. So she did. She waited until she was a junior in high school to even think about dating. When Andrew asked her to homecoming, she knew she was supposed to say yes. Here he was, everything she’d ever wanted. But when he kissed her at the end of the night, Shelby wanted to run. Every fiber of her being told her it wasn’t right. 

  
  


But Andrew was obviously enjoying himself, so Shelby just had to try harder. Kiss him harder and close her eyes. Happily ever after. 

  
  


Everytime Andrew kissed her after that was more excruciating than the last. And the longer they dated, the more he wanted from her. His hands would wander, around her waist, snaking around to her back. Then lower. Shelby wanted to enjoy it, wanted to revel in the kiss like girls did in the movies, but she couldn’t. 

  
  


She prayed. Every night she would ask God to help her, to _fix_ her. But nothing changed. (What is wrong with her? Why does her mind wander when she’s with Andrew? Why is there this void in her chest that she can’t fill no matter how hard she tries?) 

  
  


When they graduated from high school, Andrew broke things off. He was frustrated with her. 

  
  


_(You barely let me touch you. I’m a man, Shelby, and men have needs._ )

  
  
  


Shelby had cried. Tears fell down her cheeks when Andrew drove away but really, she’d never been happier. She was free. 

  
  


Now all she had to do was find the right man. Someone with softer skin than Andrews. Someone whose hands were gentle, not rough. Someone who would kiss her softly. Someone who would run their fingers through her hair. Someone who would really see her. 

  
  


***

  
  


Shelby met Toni on her first day of college. 

  
  


She’d opted for a random roommate (wanted the full experience of college, awkward meetings and all.) When Shelby walked into her room (408A) she was met with a pair of dark brown eyes and a warily raised eyebrow. The girl sitting in the bed on the left side of the room was pretty, with long, dark, curly hair that was flowing down over her shoulders. She seemed effortless, something Shelby couldn’t achieve no matter how much she wanted to. Shelby tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach (girls shouldn’t make her nervous. Let alone a girl she just met.) 

  
  


“Hi!” Shelby said with a little too much enthusiasm, “I’m Shelby.” 

  
  


She took a few steps towards the girl and extended her hand. The girl looked her up and down and ignored it. Shelby’s arm fell awkwardly by her side as she set down her bag on the empty bed. 

  
  


Maybe the other girl was just nervous, too. Some people shut down when they’re nervous, but not Shelby. No, unfortunately Shelby is a talker. 

  
  


“So, where are you from?” she asks slowly. The girl looks at her again, seemingly seeing right into her soul and Shelby feels like she’s going to throw up, “Okay. Not much of a talker, I see.” 

  
  


Her side of the room is sparsely decorated. Just a few pictures of her and another girl. Shelby is about to ask her about them when their door opens suddenly. 

  
  


“Toni, c’mon. Fatin says there's this pizza place a few blocks from here that will, quote: give your tastebuds an orgasm.” 

  
  


It’s the girl from the photos, Shelby realizes. And the girl - Toni - smiles for the first time. 

  
  


“Coming. I’m limited on cash until I can find a job, you know.” Toni pulls her sneakers on and Shelby nearly has a panic attack because _dear God, her voice. It’s raspy and low and Shelby thinks she could listen to it forever. (Okay, don’t be weird.)_

  
  


“Oh! I’m sorry - hi!” the other girl smiles at Shelby, “I’m Martha. Some people call me Marty but I respond to almost anything.” she says with a wink. Shelby smiles gratefully at her, she’d thought for a second that maybe she was invisible. 

  
  


“Hi, Martha. I’m Shelby. Pleasure to meet you.” 

  
  


“Pleasure to meet you?” Martha says with a laugh, “Where are you from, Mississippi?” 

  
  


Shelby blushes, her accent comes out stronger when she’s nervous, “Not quite. Texas, a few hours outside of Dallas.” 

  
  


“Well, Toni and I are from the great state of Minnesota, which might as well be Canada.” 

  
  


“You two know each other?” 

  
  


“Since third grade.” Martha says, curling an arm around Toni, who looks like she’d rather be anywhere but here, “She’s a little rough around the edges but don’t worry, she’s all talk.” Toni shoves her, “Okay maybe she’s not _entirely_ talk, but mostly.” Martha whispers. 

  
  


Shelby laughs, genuinely laughs, because Martha seems fun, and maybe college won’t be as lonely as she thought. 

  
  


“We’re grabbing pizza, wanna come?” 

  
  


“Oh, that’s okay. My parents are parking the car, but they’ll be up in a few. We’re going to check out the area, try and find a church.” Shelby starts unloading her bag, but doesn’t miss the way Toni tenses at the word church. 

  
  


“Well, if you change your mind and want to hang out, I’m across the hall. 409A.” 

  
  


Shelby smiles thankfully as they leave and waits for her parents. 

  
  


***

  
  


Becca calls her that night at eight, just like they planned. (Never more than 24 hours with no contact, no matter what.) And Becca’s voice brings her comfort, a little piece of home despite her unfamiliar surroundings. Her parents left this evening. Her mom cried and her dad gave her a stiff hug before praying for her. 

  
  


( _Dear Lord, watch over Shelby as she enters this new phase of her life. Let her be close to You, do not allow her to stray from Your word…_ ) 

  
  


“Shelby, are you even listening?” 

  
  


“Oh, gosh I’m sorry. Yes. Your mom really installed a tracking device on your phone? That’s insane.” 

  
  


“She said she’s worried I’ll get ‘human trafficked.’” 

  
  


Shelby can’t help but laugh, “Your mom has always been paranoid. Remember when she called the police because we were ten minutes late for curfew?” 

  
  


“Yeah. And when we showed up, she was so happy she hugged me for like, an hour, then grounded me for a week.” They both smile at the memory (Becca had taken Shelby to get ice cream one night, after she had a particularly bad fight with Andrew. She’d felt so guilty about getting Becca in trouble that she baked her cookies.) 

  
  


“Are you nervous, being away from home?” Shelby asks. She’s alone in her dorm room, Toni isn’t back from pizza yet and it's dark outside. There’s lots of noise in the hallway but Shelby still feels lonely. 

  
  


“Sure, I guess. But I’m also excited. We can finally have a little freedom, Shelby. You can do whatever you want!” 

  
  


“Not _whatever_ I want…” 

  
  


“Fine, you can do anything you want within the ramifications of the law. Happy?” 

  
  


Shelby doesn’t respond. She can feel a familiar panic welling up in her stomach. Her dad’s words ring in her ears, she doesn’t want to stray, she wants to be good. She wants so badly to be _perfect_ -

  
  


“Shelby? You okay?”

  
  


“I’m fine. Just...I’m just nervous for classes tomorrow.” 

  
  


She knows Becca doesn’t believe her, but they have an unspoken agreement: Becca doesn’t push. She doesn’t force Shelby to talk when she isn’t ready. 

  
  


“Well, you’re the smartest person I know. You’re going to outshine everyone, just like always.” 

  
  


“Thanks, Bec.” Shelby nearly jumps out of her skin when the door opens and Toni enters, “Hey, I’ll talk to you tomorrow? Love you.” 

  
  


Toni doesn’t so much as look at Shelby, just walks to her wardrobe and pulls out boxers (Shelby thought only men wore those,) and a big tshirt. Without any warning, she’s pulling her shirt off and Shelby is met with a smooth stomach and black sports bra. She can feel her face heating up but for some reason, she can’t look away. Toni doesn’t seem to notice, just turns around and pulls the bra off, too. Shelby watches and holds her breath as Toni’s back muscles move when she puts her shirt on. 

  
  


Shelby can feel the familiar pit in her stomach. The same one she gets when holding hands with pretty girls in prayer circles and when she’d let one of her friends do her makeup and their fingers would lightly brush her lips. It makes her feel like she’s floating, like she can’t breathe but she wants to feel it more, wants more and more and _more_ until it floods over her. 

  
  


Then she hears her father, again, in her ear, telling her about right and wrong. Telling her that women who feel things for other women are _wrong_. 

  
  


Then she feels shame. It crashes down on her like a wave. She could drown in it (maybe she deserves to.) She slams her eyes shut and takes a deep breath in, and out. In and out until the feeling subsides. When she’s done, Toni is looking at her, now fully dressed with her hair tied up. 

  
  


“You’re wearing men’s boxers.” Shelby says, because she’s always been good at deflecting, at changing the subject so that no one would know she’s different. 

  
  


“Gender is a social construct.” Toni says angrily. Shelby feels a shiver crawl up her neck at the sound of her voice again and - 

  
  


“Almost everything is a social construct.” Shelby is picking a fight and she knows it, but she has to keep Toni at arms length, has to keep her away because she brings out the _ugly_ side of Shelby that she never wants to think about again, “Some social constructs are good.” 

  
  


Toni scoffs at that, glancing at Shelby’s wall where she’s hung a cross that her grandmother gave her when she was young, “You’re just some brainwashed idiot, aren’t you?” 

  
  


Shelby can’t believe it for a second, that Toni would be so forthcoming with her anger, “I’m not, no.” 

  
  


Toni points to the cross, “God isn’t real, you know? Just used as a tool to enslave the masses.”

  
  


“Just because you don’t believe in something, doesn’t make it any less true.” 

  
  


“Just because you _do_ believe in something, doesn’t make it any _more_ true.” Toni climbs into her bed, pulling the blanket up and over her legs. 

  
  


“He’s not just some brainwashing tool, but even if He was, do you ever think your brain could use a good scrub?” Shelby’s proud of herself (she came up with that on the spot.) 

  
  


Toni makes eye contact with her, “Fuck off.” Then she turns away from Shelby. They don’t talk again for a week after that. 

  
  


***

  
  


Shelby makes friends with the other girls on her floor. Martha and Fatin live across the hall. Nora and Rachel live next door, they’re twins who fight like an old married couple. Dot and Leah live at the end of the hallway, they’re both insanely smart with banter to match. 

  
  


Shelby likes all of them, even though none of them agree to go to church with her. 

  
  


There’s only one issue: Toni. They run with the same group, but it’s no secret they don’t get along. When there’s someone else there with them, a buffer, things aren't so bad. But when they’re alone, they fight like cats and dogs. 

  
  


Toni runs hot, Shelby learns. She’s always on the offensive, ready to attack. It’s worse when she’s had a bad day, when she hasn’t gotten a full night's sleep or when she’s stressed about school. Toni is a walking bomb, ready to explode at any moment and cause damage to everything within a five mile radius. 

  
  


_Hot, hot, hot, like a church on fire_ , Shelby thinks, _like the fires of Hell_...

  
  


Shelby, on the other hand, is cool. Cold, some might say, though she would never admit it. She’s a professional at hiding her feelings and putting on an act. She meets Toni’s fiery words with calm retorts that only make Toni more angry. They fight about anything and everything. 

  
  


Long story short, they hate each other. Shelby looks for other open dorm rooms to move into but doesn’t want to lose her friends, who are always so close. Shelby goes to church every Sunday morning, when Toni is sleeping. She prays for her friends, for herself, and even for Toni. 

  
  


It’s all going perfectly _fine_ until their first big party, when Shelby finds Toni kissing another girl in the bathroom of a frat house. 

  
  


The girl is pretty, Shelby sees that. She’s got long, brown hair and full lips. She’s got Toni pressed up against the sink and Toni’s legs are spread wide enough so that the other girl can fit her hips between them. Toni’s hair is a mess and she’s got the other girl’s dark lipstick smudged on her lips. On her neck, leading under the hem of her shirt. 

  
  


Shelby feels sick. 

Toni just smirks at her, “Sorry, this ones occupied.” 

  
  


Shelby stares at her with such intensity that Toni almost looks surprised. Then she slams the door in her face. 

  
  


She goes home early, lies in her bed and prays. She _begs_ God to take away this feeling in her stomach, these thoughts in her mind. She wants so badly to be normal, to be a good, Christian girl. 

  
  


But the image of Toni kissing a girl, it keeps playing on repeat in her head. She wants to know what it would be like to kiss Toni. She wonders if her lips would be soft, if she would lightly touch Shelby’s jaw and pull her in. She wants Toni to wrap her legs around her waist, wants to feel every inch of her. _God, Shelby wants to touch_ \- 

  
  


She runs to the bathroom and throws up. The next day she’ll tell herself it was from all the alcohol, even though she only had one beer.

  
  


A few weeks later, Shelby comes back from her last class on Friday to find the girl from the party, sitting in Toni’s bed. They’re watching a movie, propped up against the wall, their shoulders pushed together but otherwise, not touching. 

  
  


Shelby tries to play it cool. She smiles politely at the girl and ignores Toni all together. She puts her headphones in and tries to listen to music and work on homework, but Toni is whispering into the other girls ear, and the girl is laughing and putting a hand on Toni’s arm and - 

  
  


“Do you really have to do that here?” Shelby says, all too loudly and forceful. 

  
  


“Do what? Watch a movie?” Toni says, already ready for a fight. Shelby can hear it in her voice. 

  
  


“No. Do…” Shelby struggles to find the words, “ _that_.”

  
  


Then all hell breaks loose. Toni is up and out of her bed, pointing a finger at Shelby’s face, “I _knew_ it. You hate the fact that I’m gay.” 

  
  


“I don’t hate anyone. We’re all God’s children,” Shelby starts, “I just-” 

  
  


“Just what, Shelby? You’re just so disgusted that I would have the audacity to sit on the bed with another woman in a room that’s half mine?” 

  
  


Shelby glances at the other girl, who looks both uncomfortable and entertained, “I just think you should keep your _preferences_ to yourself.” 

  
  


“Preferences?” Toni laughs, “You mean its fine that I’m gay, I should just never talk about it or show it.” 

  
  


“Toni, there’s no hate in my heart. I’ve just been raised to believe that, that lifestyle is wrong.”

  
  


“Fuck you.”

  
  


“You can’t blame me for having my own opinions!” Shelby snaps, it’s the loudest she’s ever been around Toni and it adds more fuel to her fire. 

  
  


“When your _opinions_ affect my life, they’re not just opinions anymore.” 

  
  


“I feel sorry for you.” 

  
  


(Shelby doesn’t feel sorry for her, she thinks, she’s _jealous_ and wants to know why it's so _easy_ for Toni. Why Toni is so freely herself like there isn’t something _wrong_ with her…) 

  
  


“Fuck you, Shelby.” Toni says, and grabs her things (including the other girl) and leaves the room. 

  
  


She doesn’t come back for two days. When she sees Martha the next day, she’s met with a cold shoulder. 

  
  


***

  
  


It’s Fatin who comes to talk to her first, which is surprising. She suggests that they watch a movie together, and Shelby is just happy that someone will give her the time of day. 

  
  


“What are you thinking?” she asks, “I’ve got Netflix and Hulu.” 

  
  


“Either's fine, really.” Shelby says. 

  
  


Fatin puts on some romcom from the 2000s, but the second it starts, she turns to Shelby. 

  
  


“So, you and Toni. Pretty big fight this time, huh?”

  
  


“I’m not fighting anyone.”

  
  


“You said some pretty fucked up shit, if what Toni said is true.” 

  
  


Shelby sits in silence for a second, “Well, I’m allowed to have my own beliefs.” 

  
  


“Not those ones, really.” Fatin says, but she isn’t mean about it, instead she casually looks at Shelby, “You know I’m bisexual, right?” 

  
  


No, Shelby certainly did not know that, “Oh, um, no.” 

  
  


“Yeah. I’ve dated mostly guys, but a few girls too.” 

  
  


“Okay.” 

  
  


“Does that make you like me any less?” 

  
  


“It’s not about _liking_ someone, Fatin.” Shelby says stubbornly, “It’s about right and wrong. Things like that, they’re a choice.”

  
  


“So you chose to be gay, then?” 

  
  


Fatin says it so quickly, so casually that Shelby almost misses it. Fatin says it like she’s stating a fact, like Shelby’s world isn’t crumbling around her. 

  
  


“What?” Shelby stutters, “I’m not - why would you think that?” 

  
  


Fatin shrugs, “I can read people. You know, see their auras and shit. I knew you were gay the first time we met.”

  
  


“I’m _not_ .” Shelby can feel the tears coming, can feel the shame and guilt. (Years of hiding herself. Being closed off from the rest of the world. Years of praying, begging God to make her _normal_. Years of loneliness and sadness.) 

  
  


“Look, I haven’t told anyone. I wouldn’t, I won’t.” she looks at Shelby with kind eyes and a sad smile, “But you should talk to someone about it. I’m here, if you want. Any of us would fully support you. You don’t have to say anything to me right now, but if you ever want to, you know where to find me.” 

  
  


And then she turns back to the movie, like nothing happened. Like Shelby’s years of carefully hiding herself weren’t just taken down with one sentence. 

  
  


***

  
  


Fatin doesn’t mention it again. Her friends slowly come back into her life without mentioning anything. Toni starts sleeping in their room again, but won’t ever talk to Shelby. 

  
  


Martha’s the one who suggests a camping trip over fall break. It’s only a three day weekend, but they take two cars and drive three hours south to a popular park. 

  
  


They bring hotdogs and marshmallows and Shelby finally gets to show off some of her outdoor skills. The first night is calm, they take a small hike around the grounds and drink beers that Fatin got with her fake ID. Most everyone is asleep. They had to split up into two tents, one with Martha, Toni, Dot and Leah. The other has Shelby, Fatin, Nora and Rachel.

  
Shelby can’t sleep. She’s been tossing and turning for at least an hour, so she decides to sit by the fire a little longer. Quietly, she exits the tent, slipping on her shoes. She expects to be alone but she isn’t, Toni is looking at her when she sits down on a log. 

  
  


“Can’t sleep?” Shelby asks, not expecting a response. Toni somehow still looks beautiful, even when her hair is frizzy and they got sweaty today and didn’t get to shower. The fire is just coals now, and Shelby can barely see. 

  
  


“I like the stars,” Toni mumbles, Shelby is too shocked to respond. It’s the first time they’ve spoken since their fight, “You can see them so well out here. It’s a shame to miss it.” 

  
  


Shelby looks up and sure enough, the stars are out in full tonight. Not a cloud in the sky. 

  
  


“They’re beautiful.” 

  
  


“Mmm” Toni hums, sipping her beer, “See that, over there? The really bright star?” 

  
  


Shelby nods. 

  
  


“That’s Jupiter. Just below it, that’s part of the constellation Sagittarius.”

  
  


“That’s the bow and arrow one, right?” 

  
  


“Yeah. The archer.” 

  
  


They sit in silence for a while, just the noise of the wind in the trees, “I didn’t take you for someone who would know constellations.” 

  
  


“I got bored a lot as a kid. Read a lot of books.” Toni says, “My mom would drop me off at the library for hours and hours. They’d have to kick me out at closing time.” 

  
  


Shelby’s heart aches for a small Toni, confused and growing angry at the world. She’s surprised by the admission, she wants to know more about Toni, but she doesn’t know what to say. Toni sighs and pours the rest of her beer out on the fire. Then she crawls into her tent, leaving Shelby to sit in silence. 

  
  


***

  
  


The next day, Dot, Leah and Fatin decide they want to drive into the small town near the site, do some window shopping and find “real civilization.” The rest of them walk around the campsite. At around noon, Martha falls and twists her ankle, Toni suggests that two of them walk back to the campsite to get the car and bring it closer, so Martha won’t have to walk on it. Rachel and Nora insist on staying with Martha (much to Toni’s frustration.) 

  
  


Shelby and Toni end up alone, hiking back to the campsite in an uncomfortable silence. Shelby can feel the guilt in her stomach, but for some reason, she can’t stop herself from opening her mouth. 

  
  


“I don’t hate you,” she says quickly, “You get that, right?” 

  
  


Toni stops a few feet in front of her, shakes her head slightly then turns to look at Shelby, “You actually do, though. I saw your face when shit got a little too gay for you. You looked like you were going to be sick. That’s hate.” 

  
  


Shelby is silent for a while, wanting so badly to _stop talking_ but her mouth isn’t listening to her right now. “You don’t know what it’s like. Living with all this...pressure to be perfect.” 

  
  


Toni laughs, actually _laughs_ , and says “Are you trying to out - sad me, Shelby? You can’t. My mom has been in and out of rehab like it’s a fucking White Castle and I’ve never even met my dad.” She starts walking again, faster this time and Shelby can almost see the anger radiating off of her body. 

  
  


“Yeah but -” 

  
  


“But what, Shelby?” Toni stops again, turning around and taking a step closer, raising her eyebrow. 

  
  


“You’re free. Don’t you see that? You’re _free_!” 

  
  


“So are you! You’re free from whatever bullshit expectations you have in your life. If you don’t know how to handle that, then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.” 

  
  


Shelby doesn’t know why she does it. Maybe it’s because when Toni gets angry, she gets this fiery look in her eyes that makes Shelby’s stomach drop. Maybe it’s because Toni still looks beautiful even when they’ve been hiking all day. (Maybe it’s because it's the only thing she’s wanted to do since she laid eyes on Toni.)

  
  


She kisses her. 

  
  


Shelby takes a step forward, puts her hands on Toni’s face and pulls her in. It’s rough and Toni is too shocked to do anything at first but Shelby doesn’t care about that because all she can think is _oh_. 

  
  


This is what kissing is supposed to feel like. It’s supposed to make you feel like you’re floating, like the world could be ending around you and you wouldn’t even notice because you’re so engrossed in the other person. 

  
  


Then Toni kisses her back, puts her hands on Shelby’s hips and Shelby feels her entire body vibrating with energy, she pulls Toni even closer, wants to feel Toni’s body pressed up against hers. She can taste Toni’s peppermint chapstick that she’s watched her apply every morning. Toni’s lips are soft and tentative and Shelby wonders why she hasn’t been doing this since the second she met Toni. 

  
  


_It’s wrong_ , a voice in her head (that sounds an awful lot like her father) says, _This is wrong and you will be punished for this._

  
  


The fire burning on her lips starts to feel like the fires of Hell, like God is preparing her for her time there. She feels _hot_ and when Toni’s pinky finger brushes lightly under her shirt, over her hip, she feels like she’s going to burst open. 

  
  


_Don’t stray from God’s word. Do not allow yourself to become tainted with worldly desires that do nothing to further your relationship with Him. You are disgusting. There will be no place for you in His Kingdom. There is no room in Heaven for girls who kiss girls._

  
  


She pulls away suddenly and for a brief moment, Toni’s eyes are still closed and she looks surprised and confused. But when they open, Shelby finds them looking at her in a way she’s never seen before. They’re gentle and wide, sparkling slightly in the sunlight that’s hitting Toni’s face. 

  
  


Shelby runs. 

  
  


She runs from her sinful desires and evil thoughts. She lets her feet carry her back to their campsite, ignoring Toni’s calls and fighting back tears. When she makes it there, it feels like salvation. Leah, Fatin and Dot are staring at her, confused. 

  
  


Toni catches up to her, pulls her around by her shoulder to look at her. Shelby knows there must be burns covering her body from Toni’s touch, that’s how much she feels it on her skin. 

  
  


For a second, she’s terrified that Toni is going to yell. Scream and point a finger in her face, telling everyone how she’s a liar, a dirty, spiteful _liar_. But Toni says nothing, just looks at her with those wide, brown eyes that are all too knowing. Shelby walks away and Toni doesn’t stop her. She spends the rest of the trip thinking of Toni’s lips and her eyes and her hands. 

  
  


*** 

  
  


Shelby avoids her. She spends time at the library, church and student union. She spends the night in Leah and Dot’s room, sleeps on their floor for three nights before her back is bothering her enough for her to need to sleep in her own bed again. 

  
  


( _The pain is good_ , she has to remind herself that _she deserves pain and suffering for what she is_. Each time her back aches, it’s a reminder that she is a sinner.) 

  
  


When she returns to her room, Toni isn’t there. Shelby tells herself that Toni doesn’t want to see her. Why would she? Toni hates Shelby, now more than ever. Toni knows that Shelby is a hypocrite, that she is contaminated and full of _poison_. 

  
  


(Sometimes Shelby wants to cut herself open and spill all the poison from her body so that she can be _clean._ )

  
  


She focuses on her school work, prays and prays until she falls asleep, facing the wall. When Toni comes home later, Shelby wakes up and hears her get ready for bed. She wonders, shamefully, if Toni was with another girl. If Toni spent her night kissing someone else who is prettier and kinder and guilt-free. She doesn’t move, even though she can feel Toni’s eyes on her back. 

  
  


They go on like that for two weeks, avoiding each other and not speaking. 

  
  


Until they’re all hanging out in Fatin and Martha’s room on a Friday night. Shelby’s thoughts had been particularly bad that day and she’s taken one too many shots of vodka. Someone suggests they play never have I ever, so Shelby settles in the circle between Leah and Fatin, directly across from Toni (who she has been not-so-subtly staring at all night.) 

  
  


Nora goes first, “Never have I ever gotten anything lower than a B in a class.” 

  
  


Everyone groans and drinks, Fatin calls her a _super genius_ and Nora shrugs. 

  
  


Dot, who is the most sober of anyone, says “Never have I ever dyed my hair.” 

  
  


Shelby drinks.

  
  


A few turns later and Shelby can’t think straight. She’s drunk out of her mind and cannot stop _thinking_. It takes her a moment to come up with anything to say. 

  
  


“Never have I ever had sex.” she says, too confidently, slurring her words. 

  
  


Everyone except Dot drinks. Shelby watches Toni raise the bottle to her lips, watches how her lips curve around the edge. (Shelby wonders who Toni has had sex with, how many people, how many times?)

  
  


“Never even a little messing around, Shelby?” Fatin jokes, poking her shoulder. 

  
  


“Nope. Nothing below the belt, ever.” 

  
  


“Wait, but you’ve like,” Fatin looks at her, raising an eyebrow, “Touched yourself, right?” 

  
  


For some reason, Shelby nods, “Oh yeah, of course. Love me an orgasm,” she mumbles and everyone laughs, except Toni, who is just looking at her with wide eyes, “My parents have a really nice bathtub, back home. They have these jets -” 

  
  


“Okay!” Fatin takes her drink away, “I’m cutting you off.” 

  
  


Toni’s face is red and she's looking at Shelby like she can’t believe what she just said. Shelby wants her to look at her all the time. She wants Toni’s eyes on her _all the time._ Fatin hands her a bottle of water and instructs her to 'chug it.' As she does, she sees Toni and Martha talking. They’re whispering, Shelby’s mind tells her that Toni is telling Martha everything. 

  
  


She’s telling Martha that Shelby kissed her and that she was _bad_ at it. 

  
  


She’s telling Martha that Shelby likes to kiss girls, which makes her _ugly_. When Toni steps away to use the bathroom, Shelby follows her, slips right behind her before she can close the door. 

  
  


They’re standing so close, Shelby thinks, there is a warm feeling inside her that makes her hate herself. 

  
  


“What do you want, Shelby?” 

  
  


“What do you mean?” 

  
  


Toni says it harshly, like Shelby is confusing her, “You’ve been avoiding me and now you’re hovering. I can’t figure out what you want.” 

  
  


“What I want,” Shelby struggles to find the words, to speak them into the universe and make everything that is happening real, “What I want is to know exactly what you and Martha were talking about?” 

  
  


Toni rolls her eyes, “Well, she’s ripped out of her skull right now. So, food or maybe the cloud she thought looked like her uncle?”

  
  


Shelby hardens at her words, growing frustrated because Toni doesn’t seem to understand, “You told her, didn’t you?” Shelby feels like she’s going to cry, “You told her about - about the whole…” 

  
  


Toni looks at her, offended. 

  
  


Shelby’s mind is racing, the thought of other people finding out. The thought of everyone knowing her secret she has been so careful about keeping since she was a little girl, she’s panicking, “ _Did you tell her?_ ” 

  
  


“No!” Toni looks tired, “ _Fuck_ , I would never.” 

  
  


“‘Cause you’re that ashamed?” Shelby mumbles, because Toni must be ashamed of her, why wouldn’t she be? 

  
  


“No, you are obviously the one with the shame.” Toni says, then softly, “I’m not going to tell you how fast you should figure things out for yourself. But all your hateful church shit is not going to help you figure out who you are.” 

  
  


(Shelby thinks about who she is - who she’s supposed to be. She pictures her father and his all too knowing eyes. She pictures God Himself, disappointed and _disgusted_ with her.)

  
  


Shelby grabs her, harshly by the wrists, she hears her fathers voice in her head, “”I know _exactly_ who I am. I cannot wait to get away from you and get back to her.” 

  
  


Toni doesn’t say anything. She looks hurt, Shelby knows that she’s hurting and wants nothing more than to fix it. To fix this mess that she’s made. She wants to pray and pray until she forgets what Toni’s lips felt like. She wants to pray hard enough, so that God will reach His hands down and _fix_ her. 

  
  


When she stumbles back into her dorm room, she slips beneath the sheets and falls asleep quickly, thanks to the alcohol. She wakes up the next day and Toni isn’t there.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! Thank you for reading! Sorry this is a little heavy but I've enjoyed writing it! It got a little long so I split it up into two chapters. I really hope you enjoy reading it!
> 
> To everyone who left comments on my last fic/might leave comments on this one: you are the salt of the earth and i love each one of you. They make my day.
> 
> Thank you again for taking the time to read this - I hope you have a great day!


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